FAMILIAR IS POWERFUL

As human beings it is in our nature to be attracted to that which is familiar. People remain in unhealthy relationships because that is what they know. We also have a natural fear of the unknown. So often, we will continue in misery because we believe, " the hell I know is better than the hell I don't know." Abused children often run away from foster care back to the home of abuse because that is what they know and therefore there is no uncertainty. A person may wonder why they continually get into relationships with the same type of unhealthy person.  They  are attracted to people who turn out to be controlling, an alcoholic, abusive, etc. It is being attracted to that which is familiar. We have been taught for years that the strongest inner need of man is the need to survive. I believe our strongest need is to seek out that which is familiar. It doesn't take long when looking at clouds to begin seeing shapes of things 'we know'. 

How do we break the cycle of being drawn to negative or hurtful familiar things? Stated simply, we need to change that which is familiar. This can be accomplished by taking small intentional steps outside our comfort or familiar zones and learning new things. Read about people or situations with descriptions of behaviors and values that are new to you. Visit groups and places with people who are different from your typical experience. Take some time and evaluate past relationships and situations  identifying common elements. Those are the familiar things. Once you are 'aware' of what it is that's 'familiar' you know where to begin to make changes. That's half the battle. Change one element in an equation and the answer or outcome will change. 

THOUGHT ON RELATIONSHIPS

Over the past several years, clients have asked me how to recognize the "right" relationship and how to maintain a healthy relationship. A few observations; the "right" person / relationship is someone who inspires you. You share common core values. You feel better about yourself when with that person and they inspire you to want to be an even better person. A healthy relationship is one where two independent people make a deal that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves. It's important to realize that regardless of how much you care for each other, you cannot read your partner's mind. Talk to each other. Express what you feel and what you want. Be realistic about what you expect of and from your partner. The majority of conflicts in relationships are the result of either failing to meet unspoken expectations (you didn't know), and / or holding unrealistic expectations of your partner ( they can't possibly do it). A healthy relationship is not giving 50/50, rather it's giving 100/100. If you will make your partner's happiness and emotional security your goal, you will have a rich and strong relationship. Ancient Masters and Mystics taught that if you help someone row their boat across the river, you make it across the river as well. What you send out returns to you. This is not co-dependency it is healthy inter-dependency. A final note; the simple things are powerfully important. A touch, a smile, a kind word serves to improve, preserve and protect our relationships. 

CHILDHOOD WISDOM

Most of us transition from a relaxed carefree mindset as a child to a serious and stressed mindset as adults. Children remind us of important life truths we may have forgotten. Most adults breath from high up in the chest. This type of breathing is triggered by the sympathetic nervous system when we are experiencing the "fight or flight" response. Emotions become intense, muscles tense, and stress products are dumped into our blood stream in preparation for action. Remaining in this state day to day, as most of us do, stresses our internal organs and reduces our quality of life. Observe how a young child breaths, they breath from the belly. When we consciously change our breathing from the chest to the belly, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system which initiates the relaxation response and calms the mind and body. 

As adults, we can drive or walk great distances without noticing any of the beauty or wonder around us. We live day to day missing out on tremendous sources of joy. Observe a child, when they take a walk or arrive at a park, they exclaim,"wow!" at the trees, the grass, the flowers, the birds, the squirrels, etc.   Reminding ourselves to be childlike can restore a level of relaxed and joyous living  once forgotten. 

CLEAN UP THE CRUMBS

The first time my wife and I had a meal at the Brown Derby restaurant, I was so impressed with the cleanliness and order of the place. After enjoying some delicious bread I noticed bread crumbs on the table cloth. It felt distracting and took away from the pleasant experience. Our server came by, saw the mess of crumbs, and immediately cleaned them up. I could then relax and enjoy my meal. I was surprised that something as simple as those crumbs could have that much of an impact on my experience.  

Our lives are like this dining experience. As we go about our daily lives, we drop crumbs of poor choices, mistakes and out right blinders. These crumbs clutter the table of our lives and makes life unpleasant. Wipe up the crumbs quickly by recognizing your mistakes. Take action to correct the problem and apologize to others if needed. By the end of the day, people around you will appreciate you in spite of your mistakes and you can then relax and enjoy your life. 

DECORATE YOUR JAIL CELL

Prisoners decorate their cells by putting pictures and art work on the walls. Some even scratch their names in the concrete. This action affects how they feel. As human beings, we are influenced by the things with which we surround ourselves and we have the inherent capacity to find or create joy even in the most difficult situations. 

You may feel like a prisoner of a dysfunctional family, a frustrating job, or even a bad relationship. There is a powerful principle which teaches that when we change, our world changes. That's how we plan our prison break. When we shift our focus, we change our thoughts. When our thoughts change, we change. Decorate your jail cell. Life is precious, life is short. Don't put joy on hold. 

Two men looked out through prison bars, one saw mud, the other saw stars. 

MISREPRESENTATION OF TRUTH

There was a sailor who had worked on the same ship for three years. One night he got drunk. This was the first time this had ever happened. The captain recorded in the ship's log, "the sailor was drunk tonight." The sailor read the comment in the log and knew such a statement could affect his career. He went to the captain, apologized and asked the captain to add that it only happened once in three years which was the complete truth. The captain refused and said, "what I have written in the log is the truth." The next day it was the sailor's responsibility to make the ship's log entries. He wrote, "the captain was sober tonight." The captain read the log entry and asked the sailor to change or add to it explaining the complete truth because this implied that the captain was drunk every other night. The sailor told the captain that what he had written in the log was the truth!

EXPERTS!

Beware of experts who make things sound complicated and confusing. It's unlikely they are really experts. 

When someone really understands something they can explain it simply and realize that understanding is just a new starting point.